Current mood:	melancholy
Current music:	Dave Matthews Band-- Crash Into Me

Closure
Maybe it's Christmas, maybe it's the 3 fat cigars and half a pack of smokes that I've inhaled, but I finally mustered the courage to write to an ex whom I never stopped thinking of. We parted on a sour note 3 years back and never spoken since. She had tried to get in touch intermittently but I wasn't gonna go back. But I never could stop thinking of her. So I decided to write a short note to her telling her (or tried to) how I felt. I know we can never go back; there's too much hurt and anger and water under the bridge. But I wanted some semblence of civility to remain between us. I heard she's in a relationship (thanks Myspace). I know, I feel like an online stalker now but wtf.

I had to put down what I thought I needed to say under the circumstances and wish her the best and yadayada. She sent me this mail back which really shook me. She said she always thought of me from time to time and was happy I'm doing well and that she will always care for me. This finally brought an end to a story that had never really been over, at east I think it did. I don't know if I can ever stop missing her though even though I know we can never be together again. WHy do relationships have to be so hard? Why must we meet people we deeply care for and never have them? I have a talent for really fucking every good thing that has happened to me. It's some sort of self destructive nature that never ever goes away. I feel relief on one hand and a bittersweet sadness that dulls my heart. I have tried, believe me to distract myself and break away from her memory but I know I will never rest in peace till the day she gets married. That would really end it for me. For now, it's one step closer to moving on. But do I really want to? I've done all that should be done under the circumstances. Tried to act mature and said the right things so that she feels I no longer want her to be under the impression I think we have a small chance of getting back. Coz I don't know if I'll fuck up all over again if we did.

Maybe I will forget her. It's been three years. Maybe it'll be thirty. But I'm just an old fashioned lover boy. Maybe I'll still silently keep thinking of her and keep on messing up my current relationships. I really want to get over it. But a part of me doesn't want me to. I hate this yo-yo'ing. I guess I'll have to live with the weight and just continue to be stubborn and tough. It's not fair to her, with me trying to manipulate her feelings. Her having said that she still thinks of me makes me increaibly sad. I think I'm just gonna smoke another fat boy and watch porn. That always helps.